Rant: Nobody finds it interesting anymore!

Dear Mr. David Blaine, 

Nobody cares about your million and one stunts anymore. Sure, the shock factor of the first two was cool ("He's going to do what?!"), but the stunts have run their course. Now, people doubt your sanity. Actually, we always have, but more-so now. You are not Houdini. You will never be as cool as Houdini. 

Stop trying, and get a real job.

Sure, I find it impressive that you can hold your br

eath for 16 minutes. Sure, I could never do any of that stuff. But, we get it: you are a freak of nature!

David Blaine Stunts in order of Dumbness

7. "Buried Alive" — This was his first stunt, and most tame/l

east crazy. Basically, he spent seven days buried in a coffin.

6. "Revolution" — He spent 52 hours on a rotating gyroscope, and then escaped from handcuffs.

5. "Vertigo" — Blaine stood on a 100 ft high pillar for 35 hours. He then jumped onto a 12 foot high pile of cardboard boxes, and suffered a concussion. I can think of a better landing platform. Like, something soft/squishy, preferably. 

4. "Dive of Death" — In his most recent stunt, he spent 60 hours hung upside down, risking internal bleeding, blindness, loss of circulation, etc. After the event, he was supposed to be lifted off by a helicopter "into the heavens" (how tacky), but could not, due to bad weather.

3. "Above the Below" — He spent 44 days in a plexiglass box suspended above the Thames in London, surviving on only 4.5 L of water a day. When he emerged, he had lost 25% of his body mass. The best part about this stunt was the audience, who threw a variety of objects at his box, including paint-filled balloons, 

lemons, eggs, bacon and sausages. One person even flew a remote controlled helicopter up with a burger to taunt him.

2. "Frozen in Time"— David spent 63 hours encased in a block of ice, wearing hardly any clothing. Jesus. He later claimed that it took him a month to learn how to walk again.

1. "Drowned Alive"— Firstly, he was obviously running out of titles for his stunts, because this is basically the same as "Buried Alive." For this totally brilliant and thought-through stunt, he decided it'd be a good idea to spend seven days and nights in a spherical tank of water (using tubes for air and nutrition), then, hold his breath for at least 8 minutes 58 seconds while escaping from handcuffs and chains. As the week progressed, his skin began breaking down in addition to becoming extremely burned from the sun-magnifying effect of spherical tank. His liver also began to fail. While attempting to hold his breath, he became distressed and was pulled out of the tank before reaching his goal. 

I swear to God, I won't be surprised when he dies.

Peace, Gab